Wednesday, March 11, 2009

It's been a bit.

So, it's been a bit since I posted on here, I have since started group counselling.. It's an amazing expeirence. We have also decided we will begin TTC baby #2 in mid-April.I'm rather anxious. Justice's due date is coming up fast.. and it's killing me.. I should be giving birth to a healthy beautiful little girl on May 8th.. instead that day will filled with tears and sadness.. and just be an all around painful day.. I miss my beautiful little lady so much...
Here is the link to a slideshow I made in the sweet memory of our precious baby girl. Hope you enjoy : )

View this montage created at One True Media
RiP Baby Justice

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Setting My Butterfly Free.

This is my pregnancy &labour story of our sweet little butterfly that we had given back to heaven. My her sweet soul rest in the sweetest peace possible.

I sat back in the waiting room of a Teen Health Centre on Sept 26 of 2008 waiting the results of a pregnancy test I had just taken. I know what my results would come back as but was still excited to find out. As the nurse walked in the waiting room and called my name I turned to my best friend who had accompanied me and smiled as I stood up too fallow the nurse. We walked to a room and she told me to take a seat, she had a rather bright smile on her face as she told me “your test results came back positive.” I burst into tears, not because I was upset but because I felt so blessed. She asked a few questions gave me a few pamphlets and provided me my first bottle of prenatal vitamins. We had figured I was about 8-10 weeks along. She then had me make an appointment with one the prenatal nurses’ that work there. I was given my first appointment, Tuesday October 7th 2008. My best friend broke into tears when I told her, she was that happy. After a few hours of figuring the best way to tell my boyfriend, I locked myself in my room and called him. He knew I was going to get the test because I had gone two months without a period. As soon as he answered his phone, I said, “Baby, I am.” The awkward silence that came from that almost scared me. I asked if he was mad and he told me “No.” I think he may have been more in shock and scared then mad. I had made plans to go spend the night at his brothers’ house with him, so I could figure out how I should tell my parents. We tried to talk about it, but really got nowhere. I thought about it later that night and realized this part, was my responsibility. After I left his brothers house the next day, I sat up in my room for an hour, crying. I called my mom into my room as she walked in I started balling. She just looked at me, and then said, “I’m going to cry too aren’t I?” The only thing I could say was, “I’m sorry.” My dad, he freaked for a whole 2 minutes then turned around and walked out the door. He didn’t say much to me after that for a few days. The next day after I had woken up, my mother started talking we both were crying. My sister, she’s 11, came in and asked what was wrong my mom had her sit down, and told her “Kylie screwed up.” My sister was confused and just looked my way then asked “What do you mean?” My mother then said “She’s pregnant!” My sister had mixed emotions she went from a huge smile to balling her eyes out in a matter of minutes. She was excited; too say the least, about being an aunt. Later that night I had sat with my parents and discussed for 2 hours the way we (my boyfriend &I) were going to work things. Things started to lighten up after this and about a week later my parents began to tell the people close to us. Our first prenatal appointment had come where we went over the basics and I had my first ever PAP test. I also scheduled an appointment for our first ultrasound which would be on Nov 19th. That appointment was a very quick one. I had gone a few days prior to this to have my blood tests done; I would receive most of the results for both at my following appointment on Tuesday October 28th 2008. In the time between appointments I had woken up about 3 times due to nightmare where I either miscarried or birthed my child and they weren’t alive. Our second appointment had gone great, although my boyfriend could not make it, the results that they had from my tests came back good, they were only waiting on a few more that too would come back fine. I heard our baby’s heart beat for the first time; it was 160 beats per minute. The nurse had then told me I was at least 12 weeks along because of how loud the baby’s heart beat was. It was nice to know I had at least made it too my second trimester, I felt a slight weight lifted off my shoulders. I scheduled my next appointment at the Teen Health Centre for Nov. 17th 2008 & I was told that I would get a phone call days later about an appointment with an OBGYN. My appointment was scheduled for, Nov 14th 2008, with Dr Victory. Not too much had happened at this appointment I had gone in talked to a nurse heard the heart beat, this was daddy’s first time, his eyes lit right up, and he had a huge smile. I didn’t ask what the heart rate was. I talked to Dr Victory for a short time, their computers were down so there was much we could do and said “We will finish up at your next appointment.” That being said I left my number with the receptionist who called that night to give my Dec 12th 2008 appointment. To add to the excitement of seeing our sweet baby for the first time in four days, I felt movement from our little one on the 15th. The day of our first ultrasound had come, all day, during all my classes; it was the only thing on my mind. I was super excited! My mother, father, boyfriend, baby sister, and myself, had gone for the ultrasound. I went into the room alone at first and the sight of my little angel brought tears to my eyes. This had made it all real; there was really a baby in there. Despite my expanding stomach, hearing the heart beat and feeling movement, I was still in a slight faze of disbelief. But watching my active little booger swim and kick around made it all real. After getting measurements of the little one, my family was brought in, I was still crying. The first look my boyfriend had, brought a huge smile across his face. Anyone could tell he was proud to be a daddy. I was told that I was 15weeks and 5 days along, which puts us 2 days further then what I had figured in the first place. Taking my due date from May 10th 2009 too May 8th 2009. We couldn’t find out the sex of the baby, because the tech told us it was too soon. But, while doing the ultrasound the tech had brushed by the area and my father, having 3 girls himself and looking for the “odd” boy part on the ultrasound every time, knew he had a granddaughter on the way. He didn’t tell me this, until after I had given birth. I had become ill, with some sort of virus that was going around and hadn’t eaten much of anything in about 4 days. It was so bad, that I couldn’t even drink water without throwing it up after. So being the paranoid first-time-mommy I was I went to the hospital. It was a run around game while I was there. I was sent from the ER up too L&D, where they checked my temp and blood pressure then listened for the heart beat of the little one. That was quite scary, the L&D nurse was having trouble finding baby, but once she found the sweet pea, there was a strong and steady heart rate of 150 beats per minute. I had felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I was then sent back down to the ER and waited hours before seeing a doctor only to be told I wasn’t dehydrated, just sick and that he couldn’t give me anything for the nausea because I was ill, not getting sick because I was pregnant. We left. I was so determined to do everything right for a happy and healthy pregnancy, that I had made a Dietician Appointment for Thursday December the 4th. I had one of my friends tag along. The dietician and I had gone through, my eating habits; she had told me I was eating well. I had made a fallow up appointment that I never made it too, and don’t remember the date. On December the 8th I was getting out of the shower, and noticed that at only 18 weeks and 3 days, my breast started to lactate. I was told the warmth of the shower had stimulated it. One thing I remember from warm showers and baths that I absolutely loved, when I put warm water on one side of my belly, she would swim over to the other. You could watch her move around in my tummy. I had woken up on Dec 12th 2008 excited for my doctors’ appointment at 2:00 that day. I was do for my 18 – 20 week ultrasound we were hoping that we’d be able to find out if our little one would sit or stand to pee. I went too school, till about 1. At 1:10, I had felt cramping in my lower stomach almost like period cramps that were getting stronger. But thought my uterus is expanding that’s got to be the problem. So I proceeded to get ready. My father drove my boyfriend and I too the doctors and on the way there, the pain had become intense I knew there was something wrong. Once we got to the office I “hobbled” inside, it was excruciating for me to walk, but somehow pulled it off. I checked in at the front desk and was sent for my urine sample, walking to the bathroom I felt a small gush of fluid and felt my heart drop. Before I had even had the stall door closed I dropped my pants to see what I dreaded more then anything. Blood. I don’t recall the colour, but it was distinctly blood. From that moment I thought ‘’OH MY GOD! I’M MISCARRYING!” I rushed to the front desk asking if there was anyway I could see Dr Victory now, because I was bleeding the nurse that was at the front desk made a kind of scared face and sent me into a back room. My boyfriend fallowed not long after. By now, I was crying. A nurse came in and told me I needed to give them the urine sample, so I went to do so. There wasn’t an extreme amount of blood in my urine but enough to make me sobs worse. I had given her the sample while she checked our little ones heart rate, it was a strong and steady 156 beats per minute. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders for a few seconds. The nurse said the doctor would see me in a minute and left the room, I got my boyfriends phone, and called my father telling him he needed to get my mom out of work and bring her here and he asked “why?” I told him, “I’m bleeding and we don’t know what’s wrong” he said “we will be there in a few minutes.” and hung up the phone. By now the doctor was in the room and asked a few questions then sent me to another room to have ultrasound done. I waited about 5 minutes before my mother had gotten there and what seemed like 15 more before the doctor came in. During this time I was squatting and kneeling on the floor doing things that are supposed to help you dilate, I knew this prior but had so much going through my mind that I hadn’t thought about it. I had lain down and he began the ultrasound, he had made a noise that made me think something was wrong, but when I heard the gasp that cam out of my mothers’ mouth, I knew something was terribly wrong. I shut off the ultrasound IMMEDIATLEY and began to ask questions. He asked if I had ever had a piece of my cervix cut, I told him no. He asked had I ever gotten an abortion, I told him no. He then said to me, well your dilating and I think it’s due to your weak cervix. My doctor said to me the sac the baby is in is coming out of your cervix, he said I’m sending you to the hospital to have your lower half propped up in hopes the sac will fall back inside. He then looked at me and said, there’s a very good chance you will deliver your baby today. He went and called an ambulance. I was out of the doctors office by 2:30. I was admitted into the hospital where they had my room ready for me, room 20220, ironically the same room my parents were in 2 years prior, to the day. I was given demoral and something else for the pain. It did nothing but made me want to sleep. But, by now the pain was far too intense for me to even think about sleeping. I was very irritated because I was in so much pain. Then around, 3:50 – 4 P.M we had heard the dreaded break of my water. I hadn’t been left alone in the room there was at minimum, one nurse by my side at all times. Everyone that was in the room with me, my boyfriend and my parents had all started crying. The nurse had left the room to call my doctor. My contraction had stopped as soon as my water broke. The 10-15 minute wait for my doctor seemed like an hour wait. He got there and asked me as he sat on the edge of the bed, what do you want us to do with… the baby? I said I want her! He told me alright I then had a nurse on either of my legs and then began to push. My nerves were going crazy, and I was shaking like a leaf. I couldn’t believe what had happened. During the delivery, I hadn’t felt any pain; it was just an uncomfortable feeling. After 7-9 pushes my beautiful little angel entered the world. She was born at 4:31 P.M on December 12th 2008 weighing 300grams (10.5 and ¾ oz) measuring 26.5 cm (10 inches). She was rushed out of my room just as fast as she was born. No one but the nurse who had taken her, the nurse that was holding my right leg and the doctor that brought her into the world had seen her. For this reason, I believe she still had a beating heart. As I watched the nurse leave with my daughter in her arms the doctor finished his work, he then asked, do you have any questions. My first response was, is it a boy or a girl, he replied with, I didn’t even look. Questions were asked by others but it was a blur to me. He apologized, and then left. A nurse came into my room to explain to me that her skin was far to thin for them to bath her, so she would still have my blood on her. A few minutes later, a nurse had come in with my beautiful little girl wrapped in a blanket and dressed; she was wearing a hat and a diaper. She was the prettiest thing I had seen in my life, and we picked the beautiful name of, Justice Elizabeth Lee Stewart-Johnson. Rev. Sue, the minister of St. Marks Anglican Church and a close family friend was called to ask her to come up and baptise our sweet little angel. The hospital took pictures and so did we. We stayed with her at the hospital till 12 P.M she was taken from us too have the genetic testing done. We are currently awaiting the results. Although I’m sure of what they will be, my little butterfly, my sweet angel, was born perfectly healthy. May you rest in the sweetest peace possible baby Justice, mommy is sorry that you never got a chance!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I hope that your proud.

I got another tattoo for Justice today.
Its her tiny little hand prints.
The tiniest prints I've seen in my life, but have left an impact so great on me and my boyfriend !
&May she rest in the sweetest peace possible.
Here's the new tattoo, Jan. 27/09.

&Here's my first EVER tattoo, also in the sweet memory of Justice
Dec. 23/08.

Dear baby Justice,
I hope your proud. I miss you beautiful angel !
Rest in the Sweetest Peace.
Love you forever sweetheart;

Sunday, January 25, 2009

To My Baby ;

My precious little angel;

I miss you gorgeous,
I wish I could still feel your little feet kicking around..
You'd be getting so big..
You were so beautiful.
Mommy wants you back really bad.
Everytime I see a baby, or a pregnant woman,
My heart breaks.
My immediate thoughts are of you,
and how you were never even given a chance.
You changed me from the beginning my little angel.
I maybe young, but I wouldn't have loved you any different had I been older.
I would NEVER go back, and do anything differently.
I was ment to have you for the slight amount of time I had you..
and thats all. You had finished your job here on Earth, & God needed another angel..
So he called you, my beautiful girl, home.
I hope you know I think about you constantly..
You were, are and always will be mommys pride and joy.
Your my reason for smiling and my reason for tears.
I know you watching over me with a close eye,
I will never go down the path I was headed down before,
You will be proud of your mommy..
I need you to tell me, once I get up there with you my angel,
that mommy made you proud.
You make me proud sweetheart, I feel proud to tell people, "Yes, I'm a mother.. A mother to a beautiful little angel."
I hope that your being kept safe and warm.
Till I see you again little one..
You will be forever in my heart.

Your memory will NEVER die.
Sleep sweetly precious baby.

Love, Mommy.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Justice Elizabeth Lee Stewart-Johnson.

My beautiful little angel was called home on Dec 12/2008. She was at 4:31 PM, I was only 19 weeks along. She weighed just a tiny bit under 11 ounces and was 26cm long. She was the prettiest thing I had ever seen. We are being told I went into preterm labour due to a weak cervix.. Something that, had they checked for, could have been helped. It was the hardest thing by far I have ever had to endure... She was laid to rest on the 15th of December... I really would LOVE to know, what it was that was so special about her..
Mommy misses you pumpkin